Why Your Teen Can't Get Up in the Morning (and How to Stop Being Their Alarm Clock)

Do you have a teen who can't get up on time?

It's 6:15. You've been in twice. The alarm's been going off for 20 minutes. They've slept straight through it, or switched it off. Even worse, I know.

And you're stood there thinking, I should be able to do this by now. Why am I still doing this? What happens when I'm not here?

Then you'll get people that tell you they're just lazy. They'll grow out of it.

For a lot of teens, especially neurodivergent teens, there's a real reason the mornings are hard. Once you know what it is, then you can do something about it.

Teen brains unravel and then they rewire

We do know that there is evidence that teen brains unravel and then they rewire. Add neurodivergency into that and you've got a good melting pot, haven't you? That's one reason why it's a lot harder for teens.

But we've got all the added extras too. If our teens are neurodivergent, if they've got anxiety, if they've got medical issues, we've got lots to add in.

I'm Tracey Montgomery. I help parents, in particular mums, who have neurodivergent teens, teens with anxiety and teens with medical issues who are on that road to independence. And you just want to make sure they're going to be okay out there on their own. I know.

Teenagers' body clocks shift

There's loads of evidence out there to tell us that a teenager's body clock shifts.

We run on work times, school times. Since schools have been set up, we've never adapted that. We've kept to the same times because it makes it easier for everybody else. But teenagers don't run like that. They're not wired like that.

So a teenager can feel tired all the time. This is why a teenager doesn't get up in the morning. Their body clock has shifted.

The alarm is pretty harsh, isn't it?

Then we've got the alarm. The alarm going off is pretty harsh, especially if they have sensory needs.

Or is it the day they don't want to face?

If we leave them to themselves, the majority of them will wake up at some point. They'll want to get out of bed, they'll want to get dressed. I know there are a few that would stay in their PJs or in their bed for a day. Maybe not all the time.

Sometimes what's actually happening is an avoidance tactic. They don't want to get up because they don't want to face that day. They might not actually feel that tired. They just don't want to deal with what's going to happen that day.

Try a different alarm

We know about a condition called SAD, and quite a few adults struggle with it. They use different types of alarm clocks. You know the light alarm clocks? We can try one that brightens the room up, and as it gradually brightens, naturally, our teens are going to wake up.

They might not be willing to try that. So what if they chose an alarm clock of their own?

I used to share with somebody who had an alarm clock that you threw at the wall. I won't tell you what he used to say every time it went off, but there was a thud. That meant the alarm clock had moved, so then he had to go and find it. Which was quite entertaining. Not for him, for us.

Have everything ready the night before

We've talked before about having a plan, having a system. If the system is to have everything ready for the day the night before, that takes a lot of the hassle and a lot of the stress out of getting up and getting ready.

If you can, try and keep to the same waking times. There's a lot of evidence out there that says wake up at the same time, go to bed at the same time. Some jobs don't allow for that. Shift patterns, the health system, working for yourself, or if they become a rock star. But where you can, keep it the same.

Step back and hand it over

So you've put these systems in place. Then what have you got to do?

You need to take a step back and give them that responsibility. This is the difficult bit. This is parenting 101, isn't it?

You can talk them through it. If you're waking them up at the moment, ask: what if I don't come in and wake you up tomorrow? What's going to happen? What if I'm walking past the door and I knock to check that you're up?

Start removing the going in and pulling back the covers, which I know sometimes has to happen. It's not going backwards, it's handing over. And it might go a little bit wonky. Be prepared for that. You're not going to expect them to leap out of bed on the first day you say I'm not doing this anymore.

Before they go and do their nighttime routine, ask them if they're ready for tomorrow. Have you got your clothes ready? Your bag? Your keys? If they say yeah and it's not done, then whose responsibility is it? You need to be prepared to hand it over.

Remember, you're doing this gradually. You're stepping out of the room. You're doing one knock on the door. You're letting them choose the alarm. You're giving them the responsibility to get everything ready the night before.

So you're not their alarm clock. You're giving them a system so that they can get up and get on their way.

It works

My daughter has now moved out. When she comes to stay I do sometimes have to get her up in the morning, because she comes to my house to chillax, totally chillax. But she has a job where she has to be at work five past five in the morning. She can do that.

It works. A little bit of responsibility, a little bit at a time.

This week's challenge

This week, I challenge you to step back a little bit.

1. Knock on the doorrather than going in to see if they're awake.

2. Let them choose the alarm.Just one of them.

3. Ask them before bedif they're ready for tomorrow.

See what happens.

Watch the video on YouTube

I'm Tracey Montgomery and I help mums of neurodivergent teens get ready for independent living. Find out more at traceymontgomery.org.